


Rediscovered Nothings

by cakeisatruth



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Ableism, Autism, Autistic Meltdown, Backstory, Character Study, Child Abuse, F/F, Family, Hypnotism, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Sensory Overload
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-19
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-04-18 17:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4713620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cakeisatruth/pseuds/cakeisatruth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the events of Mass Effect 1, Liara ponders her relationship with her mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rediscovered Nothings

Liara doesn't talk yet, but she can count to fifty, and more importantly, to twenty-eight, which is exactly how many stairs are in this house. The two-year-old understands her cue to start a process she dreads, one she constantly tries to postpone, the one they call "holding." Mother said she read about it somewhere, right after the family friends told her that a nonverbal two-year-old was just a sign of bad parenting.

Mother gives her the cue to start and Liara takes off for the stairs. Up and down, up and down, _thud thud thud_ _,_ until her legs are rubber and tears of pain form in her eyes. When she collapses at the bottom of the stairs, Mother picks her up and places her on the bed, using just enough force to keep her immobile.

"Talk."

Her knuckles are under Liara's ribs, going back and forth and back and forth until the child is letting off noises like a wounded animal.

"'Yes, Mother.' Say it."

A hundred and four years later, the asari can still remember how the tender flesh felt as it bruised, how she squirmed and whined and tried to get away from Mother's unforgiving grip. Over the course of six months, with holding a prescription to be followed daily, it turns from struggling to resigned crying to gurgles and strangled syllables. Slowly, she pulls closer.

"Yeshph, Maw-tha."

Mother smiles, releasing her, and a wincing Liara rubs the stinging areas.

* * *

Liara has never thought herself suited for military life. She's always admired those who serve, impressed with their resolve and strength, but many years ago she had thought there was no way she could ever endure the potential physical and emotional harm. How fast things could change. What choice is there when you're essentially drafted after the Alliance rescues you from your own stupidity?

Still, she's young, and with that is supposed to come adaptability. After the confrontation with Benezia, the crew accepted her readily, and it didn't even take Shepard that long. It's been five weeks since Ilos and Saren, past the point where the celebration has stopped but before the crew has really been assigned any more very important missions. Not that anything would really compare to saving the galaxy, Liara thinks. They've been in and out on various small assignments, with adequate down time when they're flying across the galaxy. They've even returned to the Citadel a couple of times to help with the reconstruction efforts, very much forgiven after stealing the _Normandy_.

But it's getting hard to sleep. No, it's been hard to sleep since Noveria. Several times a week Liara finds herself pacing from the captain's quarters back to the medical bay and the small room behind it to continue her research in the early hours of the morning. The ship's medical doctor raises an eyebrow when she sees the asari come through.

"Are you feeling quite all right, Doctor? You're looking rather pale."

"I am fine. Thank you, Dr. Chakwas."

She opens the door and seats herself in the usual spot, glancing at the glowing numbers on the clock. Two-thirty in the morning. It will be three hours before the rest of the crew gets up, and Liara dearly wishes she could be sleeping. Benezia's death has been probing at her subconscious since it happened, but especially since they dealt with Saren, and Liara has done her best to deal with the grief in a healthy way. She knows that the humans aboard did the same thing for their gunnery chief, someone she hadn't known so well, and there is no reason why she shouldn't remember her mother.

Except that she finds herself increasingly focusing on one memory, her first memory in fact, without a clue as to why. Holding. Benezia had been a wonderful mother, but of course she had her faults. The memory pushes its way into her mind, wakes her, and then rests quietly in her brain for hours afterwards. She needs to find some way to keep it off instant replay.

How awful she is, to remember Mother in this way! She goes to the extranet for distraction. More and more she's been thinking about hypnosis, paying a one-time fee to forget some things she needs to be rid of. Yet she isn't sure if it's wise. Hypnosis has always been a pseudoscience, backed up only by testimonies, and with that comes the worry that it could go wrong. She rubs her hands together as if washing them in midair before an abrupt phantom pain makes her jerk and bring them to her lap. She is not sure why this constantly happens when she does it, but she does her best to keep it from everyone else.

No, that is a lie. She knows exactly why, she just doesn't like to think about it.

"You can do that, you know," the commander said once, her lips turning up into a smile. "I don't mind. It's kind of cute."

But she can't. She just can't.

* * *

"I hate it when you do that with your hands, child."

The six-year-old looks up, still standing against the door from where she's just come in from school. "This thing, Mother?" she asks innocently, not halting the rubbing motions.

"Don't provoke me." Mother takes a step forward and Liara takes one backwards, pressing her back against the wall. "Stop that. If I see you doing it again, there will be consequences. Do you understand?"

She drops her hands to her sides. "Yes, Mother." Liara tries to be good, she really does. She just forgets sometimes. Benezia sees it again at dinnertime and snaps.

"I told you to stop doing that."

"I'm sorry." The younger drops her hands. "I forgot."

"Is that so?" Mother's lips turn up into a sneer. "Maybe you need some help remembering." Her biotics flare, twisting Liara's hands around, and the child cries out.

"Ow! Please don't - !"

"You _will_ learn to behave, my child."

Liara whimpers, but her hands have settled behind her back in a less-than-comfortable position. She tries to move them, but they won't obey her command.

"You'll stay like that until you can remember."

"I can remember, Mother," she says quietly.

The hold stays on, for the rest of the evening and most of the night. In the morning Benezia's grip has loosened, but Liara is so sore she spends most of the day rubbing at her wrists and trying to use them as little as possible.

* * *

She can pinpoint exactly when the rest of the crew begins to stir and get on to their duties thanks to the less than adequate soundproofing in the ship. Perhaps fifteen minutes after that, the commander makes her rounds. She always follows the same routine, and Liara knows it well. The sound of the elevator tells her, and then she can hear the faint noise of other voices, and the elevator up again. Then Kaidan's voice, clearer than the others, and a hello to the doctor and then the doors opening. Liara's pressing her lips together, looking down at her hands. When the door opens, she gets up and shifts her weight, politely looking at the space between Shepard's eyebrows. The commander embraces her and she wraps her arms obligingly around the other's back.

"Hello, Shepard. How are you this morning?"

"Dr. Chakwas says you came in here at two AM again." Shepard tilts her head to the side. "What's bothering you?"

The asari forces a smile. "I am fine, Commander. My sleep is just a little disturbed lately."

"Are you having bad dreams?"

"I have been thinking about Benezia," she admits, looking away for a moment before focusing again on the same spot. "I find my thoughts are more occupied by her now than even after Noveria."

"We have a lot more time now." The commander's lips are pursed in an emotion Liara can't identify. "Are you going to be okay?" she asks, just as she did after Noveria.

"I will be fine, Shepard. Thank you for asking. I suspect I just need some time to work things out on my own."

"Do you…want to talk about it? I haven't seen it in the meld or anything, so..."

Another forced smile. Shepard has no idea how hard she's worked to hide it. "You are kind to ask. I just need to sort out some thoughts that have been giving me difficulty. I think I can do it myself."

The other woman is obviously trying to disguise the relief flowing over her face and not doing a very good job. "Okay. I should go. I'll talk to you later, Liara."

"Goodbye, Shepard."

Once the commander has walked out, Liara buries her face in her hands. What happened to the words she spoke about Benezia shortly after the Matriarch's death? _My mother was strong, kind, and beautiful. And now she is gone_. She knew then that she was telling the truth, but more and more it seems like she is not.

No! What is she thinking? If she couldn't remember these things before now, they must not have happened. Can one make up a memory? She isn't a psychology expert, but somehow she feels like it _must_ be possible. She sits and works steadily on her research, or tries to, until an automated voice comes on.

"Logged: The commanding officer is ashore," it reports. "XO Pressly has the deck."

Liara stands and paces around the small room. She should take a walk, it would probably clear her head, but she doesn't want to run the risk of meeting anyone on the way. And she especially doesn't want to have Dr. Chakwas sit her down and try to get her to explain her strange thoughts of things that might not even have happened.

 _They happened_ , her mind whispers. _You just don't want to admit it._

No! Benezia was…she was…Liara rubs at her fringe. She must just still be reacting to all the new things in her life since she joined a military ship. She was never very good with change. It's been somewhat of a struggle to learn all the new terms and rules the humans on board already knew. Luckily, Shepard is a forgiving commander who's worked to teach the aliens on board the regulations. She says herself that some of them don't really matter, "but I'm used to it." Of course she is. She's been in the military for almost twelve years, a long time by human standards.

Perhaps someday Liara will have been with the military a long time by asari standards. In her old age she may look back and remember how she spent only fifty years researching the Protheans, but somehow she doubts it. After Ilos, she doesn't think she could ever lose her fascination. That was a breathtaking, meaningful planet. And Liara has always loved history.

* * *

Mother takes her to the park as often as possible, on the good days. She says the fresh air is good for her daughter's young mind, citing that Liara often spends her time in the house - which is true, but only because at eight, she still doesn't have any friends to invite over or to meet up with. She feels lonely sometimes, but she always knows that it will pass.

"Liara, time to go. What are you doing back there?"

"Nothing!" Liara stands up hurriedly and tries to brush herself off, but the dirt and shovel are still there as evidence when Benezia rounds the corner. The child tries to look sheepish.

"Are you _digging_ , child?"

"Yes," Liara says matter-of-factly, her facade quickly fading. "I'm looking for ruins."

"By the goddess, Liara." Mother lets out a long sigh. "You can't look for ruins in a park. Do you understand? That's a job done by archaeologists who spend centuries doing it. If you start looking here, you'll only get yourself in trouble." She slips a finger under her daughter's chin and pulls up gently. "We were having such a good day. You are not to ruin it with your childish antics." The faintest hint of a threat is in her voice, and Liara nods, avoiding eye contact. "Good. We're going home now." She takes the child's hand and gives a sharp yank. Liara stares sullenly at her feet the whole way back.

When she wakes up the next day, she knows immediately that it will be a good day because Mother is smiling when Liara pads into the kitchen, still in her pajamas. Liara starts to rub her hands together, then drops them to her side.

"I've been thinking about yesterday, Liara."

"You have?" Liara says, her voice just a touch too high-pitched.

"Are you really interested in archaeology?" Benezia looks into her eyes, searching for that glint of excitement. Liara delivers.

"My teacher told us all about it. She said there are people who spend their whole lives digging up ruins and finding out things about what used to be here, before us." She folds her arms behind her back. "I think that would be an interesting job. I said perhaps I could do that job and find out what was here before the aliens, but one of the other girls said everyone already knew what was around before the humans and the krogans." The girl had called her stupid, too, but Liara doesn't say that. She's about to continue when Benezia cuts her off.

"Take a breath, Little Wing. If this is something you're interested in, I'll let you get a book on it when we go to the store later today."

"Really?" Liara rises up onto her toes, eyes so wide they almost glisten. "You mean it?"

"Of course." Mother pats her on the shoulder. "Go get dressed."

"Thank you!" she calls over her shoulder, already running back to her room. "It's a good day, Mother!"

"Yes, child," Benezia says with half a laugh. "I am sure it is."

* * *

There. That is the way she ought to remember Mother, sweet and loving and nurturing, willing to indulge in her daughter's interests even if she thought them foolish. Not on her handful of bad days when Liara just pushed her too hard. ( _More than a handful. Much, much more._ ) (It doesn't matter.)

Anyway - she feels a surge of guilt - she shouldn't blame Benezia for her bad days. How many times did Mother tell her why she acted this way? More than enough.

She still knows where that book is, stacked safely on her bookshelf at home. Liara knows enough about the military to not expect to see it or her home again for a while, but she silently vows to someday go back and get it. She has a meager place, a little apartment, but with the bonuses they've gotten she has enough to upgrade someday. If she ever gets the chance. It'll be a big place with lots of windows, she thinks. Just like her childhood home. And a cat. She'd like to have a cat someday, has always wanted one but never had the time or anyone to watch the animal when she went away on long research trips, a frequent occurrence.

Shepard and company board the ship again around eight by the ship's clock, and at ten Liara hears some of the crew beginning to retire. It gradually gets quieter and quieter until finally, at eleven-thirty, Dr. Chakwas pokes her head in. She's doing it for Shepard, and both of them know it.

"Are you going to rest for the night, Dr. T'Soni?" Her tone is gentle; she knows asari require less sleep than humans. Still, Liara is running on exhaust fumes and really should turn in. She just doesn't want to face the nightmares again.

"O-of course. Good night, Dr. Chakwas." She heads off to the captain's quarters, where Shepard is half-asleep. She mumbles something sweet when the asari walks in, and they smile at each other. Liara retrieves her bag and goes to get ready, taking as much time as she possibly can. Perhaps she'll be able to avoid dreaming tonight. She would like that. She brushes her teeth twice and changes into her night clothes, then crawls under the covers. Sleeping here took a while to adjust to. She still isn't quite used to sleeping so close to someone. Still, it's comforting when she wakes up in the middle of the night to know that she isn't alone anymore. The solitude used to be both a blessing and a curse for a person like herself, and now it doesn't matter.

 _I'm almost like the military_.

Somehow it makes her feel good about herself. She smiles in the dark, rubs at her neck a little. She's not just almost like the military, she's under Commander Shepard, the woman who took down Saren. And Liara helped. Everything else should just be a big whatever, as she's heard the humans say. Right. The woman who helped take down Saren shouldn't be having issues with nightmares.

_Okay, Liara. Remember the good things about Mother. Remember the history book._

She closes her eyes.

_I can be a good daughter._

* * *

"What are you doing, child?"

A nine-year-old Liara opens her eyes shakily, squinting at the blurs of people moving past in crowds. She's low to the ground, squatting, trying to create a barrier between herself and the chatter. She imagines it floating up to the ceiling until it's peaceful and quiet down where she is. Her hands are over the sides of her head, and when she speaks, she doesn't remove them. "Mother, it's so loud."

"Get up."

Liara focuses on a spot of the tile floor. The pressure inside of her is building, and she feels like her brain will explode if the noise doesn't stop. Once, twice, she shakes her head. "I can't."

"I said _get up_ ," Mother snarls.

"I _can't_!" Her fingers twitch; she feels a desperate need to move her hands, but she can't risk Mother pinning them, nor does she feel confident in her ability to cope without that pressure blocking out the sound, however mediocre a job it may be doing. But Mother has had enough. She reaches down and grabs Liara by the elbow, yanking her up to her feet. The child stumbles and loses her balance before righting herself. Mother leans in close.

"Do _not_ try my patience, Liara."

But Liara hardly hears her. She whimpers, then throws her head back. "I can't. It's so loud. Please, please let me go."

"I'll let you go if you act your age." Liara nods, and Benezia releases her, then swats at her daughter's wrist when hands go up to the side of her head again. "What did I just say?"

It doesn't matter. The barrier ceases to exist, and noise presses in from every angle, suffocating, choking. Liara has hit her breaking point, and she throws her head back again, trying to keep from howling. "I _ca-aa-an't_!" she sobs, wetness running messily down her cheeks. "Please!"

Benezia grabs her roughly by the arm and pulls her away. "Quiet down," she hisses. "People are staring at you. Do you care?"

Her daughter is past caring, her world dominated by the screeching she makes. "Mother, please…!" she chokes, trying to pull away so she can run and hide somewhere away from the noise. She needs quiet in her head, it's far too loud, she's going to die if it doesn't quiet down. Mother stops to unlock her vehicle and all but throws her child into the backseat, then gets in.

"Listen to me." She grabs Liara's chin, forcing her little girl to look her in the eye. "That was an _embarrassment._ Are you aware of that, child? Did you feel the need to embarrass me for something?"

"No," Liara gasps through her tears. "It was so loud, Mother. So loud. I couldn't…"

"You could have tried a lot harder." Benezia lets go, slams the door, and gets in the driver's seat. "We're going home. I hope you're happy with yourself. This is like taking care of an invalid."

Liara presses herself against the window and the seat, burying her face in her hands and continuing to cry, but now it's out of humiliation. She's disappointed Mother, she's made it worse, she's…

* * *

Liara opens her eyes. Her heart is racing, and she turns her head to look at the clock on the wall. Two forty-nine. She doesn't even try to close her eyes again. There is no point. Careful not to wake her bondmate, she climbs out of bed and dresses, then heads back to her little office. Nobody else will be there. She'll avoid the -

"Again, Dr. T'Soni?"

Never mind.

"I am sorry, Doctor." Liara doesn't look at her. "I was under the impression you were asleep."

"I don't get nearly as much sleep as some of the other humans on board. It's a bad habit." Dr. Chakwas focuses on the asari's face, and she looks away. "But it lets me keep an eye on certain people."

Liara knows her face is turning purple. "I assure you, there is no need for you to worry about me."

"Hmm" is the only response she gets, and Liara opens the back door to go and continue her work, or try to. Her thoughts keep drifting. That day didn't happen, did it?

_Yes it did, we were going to a street fair, and it was newly opened -_

No. No, it didn't. She takes a deep breath, steeling herself. If it's possible to create memories - and her research has told her that it is - then it must also be possible to erase them if you just believe they did not happen.

_But they did._

No, they didn't. They absolutely did not happen, they are only fabrications.

_Yes, they did. Stop lying to yourself._

Her thoughts flicker back to her dream. If she _has_ to remember this, she's going to be sure to remember the end of it, too.

* * *

When Mother stops the car, she opens the back seat, but Liara cowers away. Mother sighs, holding out a hand.

"Come on, child."

Liara takes it and allows herself to be led inside, still sniffling. Mother sits her down on the couch, a little rougher than usual.

"Look at me, Little Wing."

Liara focuses on the spot above her nose. Her teacher in school has just recently taught her this feigned way of making eye contact, and it seems to please most people.

"You know why Mother acts like this sometimes, don't you? Why I do things I don't want to?"

"Yes," Liara whimpers. She knows Mother is going to tell her anyway.

"Do you remember how I told you about your grandparents? And that they weren't very nice?" A nod. "When I was a little girl, they did and said things to me that weren't very nice." She leans forward, taking her daughter's hands. "So I have to work harder to be nice to you. Sometimes I do or say things that aren't nice because I am thinking of them and how they would react. But I love you, Liara, and I never want to hurt you. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Mother."

"Good." Benezia smiles and stands up. "Come here."

Liara gets up and hugs her stiffly, then retreats to the bathroom. She fills the sink with ice-cold water and dunks her head, forcing herself to keep her eyes open. It takes ages to stop the burning sensation. It makes her stop thinking about Mother.

* * *

She is a terrible daughter. Her mother was simply a victim of the cycle of abuse, and this is something important to remember. Not only to remember, she chastises herself, but to learn from. In a few centuries when she has children of her own, she vows to remember what Mother put her through and never, never hurt them.

No. Wait. Poisoned thinking again. Mother did all she could to break the cycle, but in the end couldn't. Was that the reason for her death? In the end, she only abused herself.

_You've always made me proud, Liara._

_DIE._

No, no, no! She grinds her fists against her forehead in desperation. You're supposed to love your family. She has no siblings and she doesn't know her father, so she ought to love her mother best of all, shouldn't she?

_Why? Because of a history book?_

She shoves that down. Her omni-tool pings, and she looks at a message from the commander.

_[MSG] You can't sleep?_

_[MSG] Did you want to come down?_

Liara sighs and heads out. Dr. Chakwas is gone, and Liara goes to knock on the commander's door - it's always locked to keep others out at night. Shepard opens it in her wrinkled shirt and sweatpants, looking strangely vulnerable.

"Come on in," she says without a second glance. Liara follows her in and sits at the desk, while Shepard flops lazily onto the bed. "What's eating you, Liara?"

"What?"

"Old human expression. Never mind." She wets her lips. "What's bothering you? Your mother still?"

"Yes." Liara doesn't look at her. "I am sorry, Shepard. I do not expect it is normal for it to last this long."

"Hey. Don't talk like that." Shepard's voice is gentle, encouraging the asari to look up. "You know I grew up on Mindoir, don't you? You should have _seen_ how long that took me to get over. I had so many bad nights, the patrol who rescued me had to use sedatives for my own safety. It was awful."

Liara feels a surge of something in her core when Shepard says it; it's an extreme show of trust. Sometimes, the commander still cringes without meaning to when someone mentions Mindoir. "But that is different, Shepard. What you went through was far more traumatic, so it's only sensible that it would take longer to get over."

"More traumatic? Maybe. I think it was just different." She meets Liara's eyes. "Don't pretend it doesn't bother you. I made you fight your own mother. I'm so sorry, Liara."

"No," Liara says immediately. "There is no need to be sorry, Shepard. In a way, I am glad I got the chance to speak with her again before she died. I think it would have been worse otherwise."

Shepard looks at her, a somber expression on her face. "Dr. Chakwas wants me to give you shore leave for the sake of your mental health. What do you think?"

"What?" Liara's head snaps up. "No, no! That's not necessary at all, Commander!"

"Calm down, Liara. You're fine."

They sit in silence for a moment, looking at each other.

"Let's go to sleep," Shepard says finally. "Or maybe we can just lie awake together."

Liara nods and they both slip under the covers, Shepard with her arm tossed over her lover. After a few moments her breathing goes shallow, and Liara turns over to look at her. She is beautiful in sleep, and so strangely vulnerable. She didn't expect such a thing from the commander the first time they shared a bed, and she thinks maybe she's still getting used to it.

Even though she doesn't fall asleep again, she doesn't move, either, for fear of waking Shepard again. Instead she lies still, paralyzed by her thudding heart and the words echoing in her ears.

_You've always made me proud, Liara._

* * *

Shepard is halfway into her uniform when Liara reaches to turn off the alarm. "Morning."

"Good morning."

"I just talked to Joker. Our ETA is twenty minutes." The commander rolls up her sleeves. "If you won't let me give you shore leave, you can stay here for the day."

"Commander!" Liara looks at her in dismay. "There is no reason to let a little foolishness from my mind hold a mission back."

"I know." Shepard cups her girlfriend's face in her hands. "But it'll be a long one, and you need the time off. Take care of yourself, Liara. I'll be back this afternoon."

The asari caresses her bondmate's arm and kisses her softly, making Shepard smile before she heads out to get her armor. Liara steps out and goes back to the lab. When she opens the doors, a blast of cold air hits her.

"Dr. Chakwas? Could you adjust that thermostat?"

The younger woman reaches over and turns up the heat. "My apologies, Dr. T'Soni. I was under the impression you were going to be on shore leave."

"Ah, not quite," Liara says, looking away. "I have…business to attend to here. Research and…and such. Dr. Chakwas, may I ask you a question?"

"Of course you can."

"Is it possible to fabricate a memory? Or to remove one?"

"Why, of course." The human leans on her desk. "By visualizing a thought or action enough times, it's entirely possible for us to believe it really happened. There's significantly less research into whether we can remove them, however. That's something usually only achieved through hypnosis."

There it is again, hypnosis. "I'll have to look into that. I have a couple of visuals which have been bothering me. I'm not entirely sure if they happened or not, but I'm fairly certain I never conjured them up before they disturbed me."

_Yes, they did._

Liara shoves that voice down and bites her lower lip. "In any case," she adds, "they are from quite a long time ago. Some of them more than a century."

"I'm afraid I'm not a psychology expert, Dr. T'Soni. What I do know about it generally applies to humans. I haven't the faintest idea if the asari are any different in that respect."

Liara nods awkwardly. "I see. I should be going, then." She pulls up the extranet and begins searching every related keyword combination she can think of.

_Asari brain remove memories_

_Asari hypnosis_

_Same-species hypnosis safety_

_Hypnosis services_

They keep directing to the same places, hypnosis services done by asari for asari on faraway planets. She can't very well ask Shepard to travel across the galaxy for something as silly as this. Besides, that would require explaining it all, the very idea of which is enough to turn Liara's face bright purple.

No, there. Here's one on the Citadel, services performed by a Keera T'Loks with a long list of satisfied customers writing in to share their appreciation. Liara feels her fingers tremble as she digs deeper. Matron T'Loks costs five thousand credits an hour.

* * *

"That's only going to be worse if you have to eat it cold."

Liara, aged twelve, stares at the dish in front of her, trying to keep her lip from curling. "I know."

"You've been staring at it for fifteen minutes. I would strongly suggest you eat it now."

Liara nods, not looking up, but she doesn't move. A minute goes by, then two, three…

"Are you going to eat that, child? Or am I going to have to make you?"

Liara's eyes flicker up to the place above Mother's nose. "The feeling is bad in my mouth."

"There's nothing wrong with the texture, Liara. You're only saying that because you don't want to eat it." Benezia gets up and clears her own plate, and Liara's breath quickens when she hears her start a timer. "I'm giving you two minutes. If it's not all gone by then, there will be consequences."

The young T'Soni has tested this before and been met with a force-feeding, but that was years ago. Mother wouldn't do that now. Would she? She doesn't think it's wise to risk it. Better that she force-feed herself. She tears into it and chokes at the sensation; Goddess, it feels like eating wet cement. She shoves it in before she can taste it, suppressing her body's reflex reaction to try and spit it back out. Her throat protests and she gags forcefully, the back of her hand over her mouth, and the timer goes off. Liara freezes, looking up at Mother in horror. She still has a few good mouthfuls left.

"Well?"

She is feeling patient today. Thank the Goddess. It takes only a few seconds for the young asari to gulp down her food, and then she closes her eyes as her stomach lurches. _Don't._

"Good choice." Benezia pats her on the shoulder. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"

Liara doesn't answer, her insides still shaky. "Excuse me," she mumbles hurriedly, and bolts from the table. She doesn't even get a chance to shut the bathroom door before that awful texture assaults her again, only this time it's coated with stomach acid and burns her throat. There's sick on the rug. She's going to have to clean that. Can't let Mother find out.

A hand on her shoulder. "Look at me, Liara. I could just…"

Still trembling, Liara looks up and is met with a slap across the face - not hard enough to hurt, but enough to sting. Her eyes widen. "You hit me," she says stupidly, trying not to cry.

"Yes. And I think you know why." Mother's teeth are clenched. "Go to your room. I don't want to see any more of you today."

"But the rug - "

"I said _go to your room_."

Liara goes to her room and lies on the bed, rubbing her face against the sting. After only a minute, the door opens again.

"I should have asked. Are you going to throw up again?"

Her mouth still tastes like sick, but her stomach feels fine. "I don't think so."

"That proves it was an act of defiance, Liara. Think about what you did." She shuts the door.

By the clock on the wall, the young asari counts two hours and fifteen minutes. Then the door opens again without even a knock. Benezia enters and sits down at the desk, and Liara shrinks away.

"You understand, Liara, that I overreacted today."

Her daughter isn't sure whether to nod or not, so she just stays quiet. Benezia takes it as a cue to continue.

"But what you did wasn't right either."

Liara swallows. "I know, Mother. I couldn't help it."

"I've told you how tired I am of hearing you use that excuse."

Liara's hands fist in the sheets. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

She doesn't make eye contact. "I'm sorry…that I didn't like it…and I'm sorry I threw up."

"And that you were defiant. Are you sorry for that?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I was defiant."

"Good girl." Mother gives her a wobbly half-smile, but it's good enough for today. "Go on and get a shower."

* * *

Five thousand credits an hour to get rid of the visions that assault her everyday life. Is it worth it? Did these things even _happen_?

Yes. She knows without a doubt they did. What would she say today if someone asked her who Benezia was? _She was horrible, mean. And she hated the color yellow. She loved purple, dark like blood -_

Stop it! She bites her lip. Shepard has already said that tomorrow they'll go to the Citadel. Liara will ask Matron T'Loks about her services, and then and only then will she make her final decision.

It's late when Shepard comes back in, and she gives Liara a tired smile. "Hey. Didn't think you'd still be up."

"I was waiting for you." Liara caresses her commander's back.

"Were you?" Shepard says with a cocky grin. "How would you like to see a little more of me right now?"

"I would not be opposed to the idea." She runs her hands down Shepard's sides, caressing over the straps of her bra. Shepard leans back and kisses her -

_You've always made me proud, Liara -_

Liara jerks backwards. Shepard catches her by the wrist, her brow furrowing.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I - I am not sure."

_Die._

"Maybe we should save this for another night," Shepard suggests, but the disappointment in her voice is evident. Liara doesn't say a word as the two change and get ready for bed, and then she curls up next to her lover, trying to block out the bad thoughts.

* * *

"Matron T'Loks?"

The hypnotist smiles and looks at Liara, who's crossing the room hesitantly. "Oh, yes. Come on in, sweetheart," she drawls.

"…Yes." Liara fiddles with her collar. "I made an appointment just yesterday."

"So what is it you're looking to have done? Don't be shy, honey. You're far from the only one to request my services." The matron leans in close, and Liara edges away as inconspicuously as she can.

"I'm…looking to have some memories removed. Of my late mother. Is that possible?"

"Of course it is, dearie." She smiles at the younger asari. "It's done through the meld, as you know."

"Yes. I read about that." Liara feels uncomfortable doing this, it's like betraying Shepard, but it's necessary. Well worth it. They slip into each others' minds, Liara trying to keep her own blank. At the matron's request she summons up the memories she's trying to remove. T'Loks makes a little _hmm_ sound.

Through the meld she says, _I can certainly remove those, but it will leave large gaps. Unless you'd like to fill them with something?_

Liara shivers. _What kind of "something"?_

_Excursions, errands, being lost in a shopping mall. Nothing particularly prone to stand out._

_Yes. Yes please. And I would like to have this session wiped, too._

_When you walk out, dearie._

* * *

She wakes up to Shepard's smiling face. It's a beautiful sight, and Liara leans up to caress the red locks dangling above her.

"Hey, beautiful." Shepard leans down to give her lover a peck on the cheek. "No bad dreams last night?"

Liara stops to think about that for a moment. "No," she says decidedly. "It was as though I did not dream at all."

"Good." Shepard traces her finger over Liara's jawline. "I hope that means this whole thing is over, then."

"Yes. So do I." Liara lies back, but she thinks to herself that perhaps she just had a very good day yesterday. Supposedly she was well intoxicated last night, although she has trouble remembering the details. Nothing overly concerning. But she doesn't have a nightmare the next night, either. Nor the next, or the one after that, or…

* * *

Liara T'Soni leans over the balcony of the Citadel as she speaks to Shepard. The Citadel is different now, much nicer than it was three years ago after Saren. The asari relates her story, one she knows well: looking for ruins in the park when she was very young. It makes her give half a smile as she talks.

"Yeah, that's actually pretty cute," the commander admits.

"No one else thought it was funny. The lecture my mother gave me!" Liara turns around, leans back. "But she did buy me my first history book the next day. I…I miss her, Shepard."

Shepard's face softens. "What was she like?"

She closes her eyes, strains to remember little details. Benezia standing up for herself. "She was confident. And kind." That history book was kind, and taking her to the park, yes, and all the times her mother took her out on little excursions. "She loved to wear…" What color was it? "Yellow," she says decidedly. "I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world."

"You'll be okay, Liara." Shepard touches her on the arm. "You're doing so much better now than you were back when it happened."

"Maybe you're right," Liara says. "Thank you, Shepard. I feel better." There's a nagging at her mind, quiet like there's something she needs to remember and can't quite, and she probes at it a little. But then Shepard tosses her hair back and grins flirtily, and it doesn't matter. Liara smiles, and the world is okay again.


End file.
